Women on the move!

On a bright Monday morning, if you are driving down to work on a busy road and happen to notice that the traffic in the adjacent lane is moving way too slow even for peak hours, there is a 10% chance that in the car creating that bottleneck is some thick skinned dick head who is on his mobile while at the wheel. But, there is an overwhelming 90% chance that the pack is being led by a lady driving with her body upright and stiff like an army man in all too alarming ATTENTION posture with both eyes drawn together in utmost concentration on the road ahead that one gets a feeling that the road in front of her will give way anytime revealing a river of simmering magma underneath.

The scene is all the more hilarious when "madamji" is driving a two wheeler. First, we have her covered from head to toe and full hand gloves in the same stiff posture looking like a rather amusing cross between "Bandit Queen" and a surgeon out to perform a rigorous 12 hour surgery. Her defense: "Oh my gawd! The UV rays of the sun are so dangerous you know and all the dust on the road can ruin my skin !" But the icing on the cake comes now. From the moment the vehicle is started, the brake light is always flashing. Even in the rare case when a woman is traveling at 40 Kmph, one is bound to see the brake light glowing behind. Only the almighty knows how they manage to drive and yet always have the brakes applied. And when it is time to stop, even before the brakes do the job, the two legs are down on the road like the landing gear of an aircraft trying to end the misery of driving ASAP.

So, why is that women are so averse to driving? Why is driving a vehicle to a woman as intriguing as riding an enraged bull? The answer is actually very simple but most women simply won't buy it for reasons they best understand. Honestly, what is wrong in accepting one is bad at something? Anyways, the female fraternity choose to differ and so, let it be.

The difference between the driving of a man and woman is very fundamental in nature. Once a guy gets used to a vehicle, he gets a feel of the beat of its engine and its sensitivities to movement. So, when a guy is driving his bike or car, it is as good as a part of his body like his legs or eyes which work in tandem with the driver. For the guy, it is basically him and him alone who is moving. For him, the vehicle is no different than him. However, a woman always treats her ride as.....well....a vehicle. For her, it is merely something which can move when you hit the gas and slows when you leave it. That is all. Anything beyond that is irrelevant to her. So when she is driving, two things are moving: the vehicle and her. Now as long as that is the case, there is never going to be a dearth of funny videos of women drivers on youtube and we guys will always have something to watch and laugh our heads off.

Star Trek: A Review

I am not sure if it was the company I had or the more than half empty movie theater, but I just loved the whole movie experience. I had gone with a few seniors of mine from school one of whom I was meeting directly after school. Both of us had a lady interest back then and so, obviously we were so busy talking about her that I hardly realized when the movie started. But, when it did, it made sure everybody who was sitting there was hooked to the screen. One of the very few decent movies to be released in recent times, everything about this movie is good. The story is woven seamlessly with absolutely zero loose ends and the direction is brilliant making sure there is not a single dull moment in the two hour ride.

The movie starts abruptly with an intergalactic fight in one of the far ends of space between a Federation vessel USS Kelvin and a Romulan ship captained by our Romulan of focus Nero who is in pursuit of a certain Vulcan called Spock. In the middle of all this, on one of the escape pods is born our man of focus, James Tibirius Kirk. The movie then suddenly jumps to Vulcan and introduces us to our Vulcan of focus, Spock. The movie then goes on to trace Kirk's and Spock's journey onto the USS Enterprise and how the so popular crew of the USS Enterprise came together amidst the feuding between the logically driven Spock and instinct following Kirk. The movie has plenty of action (the best part is none of it goes overboard even by Sci-Fi movie standards) and lucid humour sprinkled to good taste.

To be very honest, I was never really a fan of Sci-Fi movies set in space plainly because I really can't stand all the terrible looking aliens which all those animators create with their crooked imagination. And I was completely ignorant of Star Trek before this movie. So I was pleasantly surprised that almost all aliens, at least the Vulcans and Romulans who are the only ones we get to see in the movie were merely humans with really stupid haircuts and few tattoos on their faces. So, why watch it if what we get is a flick with human earthlings and human aliens? Well, watch it for the wonderfully woven storyline; watch it for that nostalgic feeling (This one is for all those old timers) and watch it because it is good cinema at its best and manages to pull it off without a single big name in the cast.

As they like it!

In a time not so long ago, in a land not so far away, there was a province called "Sizezero". The people of this town were obsessed with their health and fitness and their rulers did everything in their power to make sure everybody lived a "chust and tandhurust" life. Following a recent study that the people in the province were losing shape, a new rule was passed which put a ceiling on the total weight of a family based on its size. Of all the many others, the play here is set in one particular family with four members in it: Uncle Sam, Bharat Ma, Canadian Jack and Old Dragon.
The play opens in the family's living room. The mood is pensive and everybody is lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly, Uncle Sam exclaims.

Uncle Sam (Excitedly in his usual intimidating cracking voice): I have figured it out! The solution is so obvious. I can't believe we were thinking so much about it.

Bharat Ma (A hint of annoyance in her squeaky little voice): What is so obvious? I still can't figure how we meet that new weight ceiling law! All of us are healthy foodie freaks.

Old Dragon (With slits for eyes, it hisses): Of course, it is obvious. Uncle Sam and Canadian Jack are the chubbiest of the lot. They should be the ones shedding the most weight. Only then will Bharat Ma and I can make it through.

Canadian Jack (In a deep rustic voice): That will be enough. Now, I believe Dragon here will help us understand better why I and Sam must lose the weight while they make merry.

Old Dragon: Hey! when did I say Bharat Ma and me will make merry while you two lose weight. I am saying all of us need to do our bit. But the two of you must do the bulk of it.

Bharat Ma: Now I get it! Since Sam and Jack are already bulky and have no need for more as they have few obligations, we guys can probably be a little relaxed. After all dragon and I are actually picking up steam only recently.

At this point, Uncle Sam makes a grunting sound but is not heard. Dragon continues.

Old Dragon: So true Ma! You couldn't have been more spot on. It is really necessary we take action together but Sam and Jack really do more than just contribute.

Uncle Sam (In a firm tone now): Ahem Ahem! I OBVIOUSLY did not mean anything even remotely close to what Dragon said. My idea is infact contrary to it. I believe both Bharat Ma and Old Dragon must do the dirty work.

Bharat Ma (Shocked): Excuse me!! But am I hearing it right Sam!

Old Dragon (Angrily grinding its teeth and lasning its tail): I protest! It cannot be that way.

Uncle Sam (In a mocking baby tone): See, the fact is both Jack and I are used to a certain lifestyle which are not willing to give up. You two are anyways not used to it. Why bother about trying to come to us. You should lose more as you anyways have little. Besides, how can I throw my weight anymore if I don't have any.

Bharat Ma: But...but...

Old Dragon: I will not agree. I am not listening to anything what Sam and Jack saying.

Canadian Jack : Oh dear Dragon, you are so naive. Do you really think you call the shots anywhere. You are what you think you because we let you so. Now get back to making those toys.

The curtain falls.

This is how our world leaders plan to curtail carbon emissions and save our planet. The first world countries' mantra: The plenty must continue the way they live as they are used to it and the others must simply pass as they are anyways used to the tough life. So much for "The Asian age".

Good colour, Bad colour

Anybody who studied in a decent school or read a decent joke book must have come across and cracked one of those PJs which involves an Indian, an American, a Russian, a Japanese or a Wednesday from Crusoe's island. All those jokes usually ended with each person taking a dig at some stereotypical behavior of their fellow countrymen. That has always been the case for a long time now. So what about it............ Well, nothing except that it would have been very interesting to see how those jokes would have ended if some bloke would have made them up today. My best guess is it would have probably ended with all of them collectively lamming the "desi" guy from the "Land of the curry" and him crying foul how his government does not care for him.

In today's supposed age of globalization where where all countries are part of one global village, suddenly many foreign nationals seem to be intolerant of Indians. Is it a change in our lifestyle and behavior? Is it because of insecurity about the alien Indians snatching away their livelihood? And honestly, is it really as huge as it is being portrayed? Thanks to the 24x7 media, with its innate ability to make even the most isolated of event seem like a worldwide phenomenon, we really can't be too sure about this. And there is always the chance of most these attacks were opportunistic rather than racially motivated.

The reasons are many which can be best understood by an analogy. Picture any Indian as the boy in the neighborhood who plays on the road facing your house. As he first started playing, he was always careful and made sure he curbed his shots to make sure the ball never fell in your house or hit the window. Even if it did fall, he was polite enough to ask if could take the ball and apologized for it. But at his house, the same kid was a pampered pain who made a racket. Only outside, because he wasn't too sure if he could stand up for himself he kept a low profile. As he grew, he started topping his class and became the ringleader of his little group. He still plays. But, there is a sea of change in him. All those polite requests are gone. He barges into your house whenever the ball falls there. And he hits the ball as if he owns the place. And the other day, he broke your window pane but he vehemently denies it.

So how would you be towards him now? Would you be angry at how he is taking advantage of your good nature and go to his dad? Would you take matters into your own hands and whop his ass? Or would you be the friendly neighborhood uncle who would just smile and sportingly say it is all a part of growing up?

The boy here could be just one of those countless Indians flocking at foreign immigration counters everyday for starting life a fresh in a new land. And the random native of that nation would be feeling the same as you, the neighborhood uncle. Different uncles react differently. Different kids grow up differently. It is just not fair to generalize either of their behaviors. The new generation Indians should be careful about their shots. No matter how much leverage your country is gaining in the international circles, the fact is that you are playing in front of somebody else's house. And the 24x7 media is the flibbertigibbet of the neighborhood who loves drama and gossip. It is best if everybody listen to her, give her a phony smile and think for themselves.

Maya ya Mahamayi

In the 1997 runaway Bollywood hit "Dil To Pagal Hai", King Khan promises his audience to come back with "Maya" the next time he is performing. He eventually finds his Maya in the form of Madhuri Dixit. The Republic of India on the other hand found its "Maya" not in some glam doll but in a typical behenji from the political backyard of India U.P.
If 'MTV' starts a hunt for the quintessential example of a corrupt, ruthless, powerhungry and oppurtunistic politician in post independence India, Mayawati will win hands down. Unlike her political contemporaries, Mayawati proudly wears all the above attributes on her sleeve and still has the courage to announce the world " Main agla Prime Minister banungi". With an ambition which even belittles MJ's pursuit of beauty, Mayawati is the great Indian (i)con. Her belief in herself will go down as stuff of legends. Who else would have thought they could get away by extorting money from people publicly and tagging them birthday gifts, embezzle crores of money meant for a world heritage site and expect nobody to notice and erect gaint statues of herself and her guru all over her capital using public money and compare them to India Gate & Raj Ghat!
In her defence she claims she is a dalit who has been exploited all this time and now it is pay back time. Besides, according to her, by being so open about her ambitions she is atleast being honest.So celebrating Mayawati's honesty and the "supposed" dawn of her age, Satanputr presents "Maya ya Mahamayi"

A Rupee's Worth

On the 6th of July 2009, in a nation of over a billion, a bespectacled man with graying hair on a balding head made his way to work to do an annual ritual. But, it wasn't as simple as it sounds. As he stood up and took a deep breath and spoke his first words on the mike, the nation held its breath silently and listened as if the almighty himself had come down to say what he is up to! By the time he finished, the bulls turned into bears and around two & half crore rupees of investor money was wiped off the face of the planet. By the time he finished, it suddenly made so much more sense for all 20 year olds to pursue their education on a loan than on their dad's hard earned money. By the time he finished, India Inc was breaking its head why it never paid good taxes before! These are just few of the nation's reactions to the Financial Budget for the year 2009 presented by Mr. Pranab Mukherjee.

So what does it mean to you? After all, budgets come & go every year. Well, you will be surprised how much a budget effects your life in ways you never thought it can. To put it in better prespective, Satanputr presents a not-so-commonplace interpretation.

1. To the 2 year toddler: Don't you worry baby, your days to worry about all this are a long way ahead.
2. To the 14 year old girl who wants to be a teen diva: Chill sweet heart. Don't worry about your mum catching you trying out her cosmetics. They don't burn that big a hole anymore.
3. To the 16 year old class topper with those geeky spectacles: All your persuasion to get your dad to buy you contacts went down the drain. They just got dearer.
4. To the 19 year old college freshie : Get your dad to fund your education on a loan. That way you not only save his money now, you also give him more tax cuts on your loan.
5. To the 21 year old "Baap ka maal" dude: Time to ask your dad to pay for those new K&N filters and titanium spark plugs for your car. Your dad just got lucky and saved some major rookda!
6. To the 25 year old IT employee: All that money your company was paying as taxes on your perks will now have to be paid by you mister. That means your perks worth 4 lakhs will attract nearly just as much tax as your 4 lakh CTC
7. To the 28 year old "I live by the To-Do List" guy: Time to get your car for which you have been saving for long.
8. To the 30 year old stock broker on Dalal Street: You just had a BAD field day yesterday man. Rest for a while.
9. To the 32 year old Mutual Fund player: Keep your fingers crossed. All those people savings might just come your way.
10. To the 34 year old nagging TV soaps' devotee: Your husband is never going to get that Set Top box for you now. muhahahaha
11. To the 37 year old unemployed youth in "Bharat ka Khoya hua Gaon": Lady luck finally smiled. You just got a gaurantee for a job.
12. To the 43 year old farmer in West Godavari: Smile my friend, the interest levels have come down to the earth you till.
13. To the 48 year old corporate lawyer in South Delhi: All the money you squeeze from your clients shall now be squeezed from you.
14. To the 52 year old scientist at ISRO: File those forms for getting that new simulation software you have been lobbying for so long. Your director just got a huge nod when he asked for money.
15. To the 56 year old defence broker in Israel: Loads of money and military orders from India coming your way. Gear up!
16. To the 62 year old uncle in the neighborhood: You toiled hard all your life. So smile, relax and enjoy with your kids and theirs.

And yeah not to forget!
To Y.S.Rajashekar Reddy in Hyderabad: You walked the entire state in the sweltering heat of the summer sun on foot and managed to send 33 Congress candidates as MPs to the parliment. That is the single largest consignment from one party from one state. In return, your ministers get one cabinet post and one MoS post. Andhra Pradesh slipped out of the Railway Minister's mind when she made her budget. And all those pats you got on the back for your ambitious & commendable irrigation projects were merely gestures of pity over your naiveness. The Finance Minister too conveniently gave AP a miss. Please wake up and try something called "Lobbying"

Oye: A review

NOTE: Satanputr pleads the readers not to take this review to heart & watch the movie themselves to form their opinion. Whatever views that have been expressed only reflect the personal opinion of the "son of the devil" i.e me. Lastly, I would like to thank Lamboo a.k.a the arcticmonkey for giving me the idea of writing movie reviews on my blog.

Once upon a time, there is a dude. Born to a rich dad whose face we never get to see, he lives bindaas partying and globetrotting. Around the same time,there is a girl or may I say a "Lady" who lives according to a To-Do List and doesn't sleep without writing her dairy. He believes in cherishing the short and sweet moments of life and detests anything permanent. She like things well planned and which come with a lifetime warranty. So, the opening shots are spent trying to make these differences obvious to the viewers. And finally, one fine day, the dude lays his eyes on the girl and falls in love and tries to woo her only to realize he isn't exactly her kind of material. The rest of the first half deals with how he wins her heart only to learn that she is dying soon. The second half is a lame rip off from the "The Bucket List" where the girl decides to let her hair loose and check out the life the dude way before everything is over. At the end of it all, you leave the multiplex in a dazed and confused state trying to figure out why did they make this movie.
The subject picked was stupid and has already been exhaustively used in Tollywood. The treatment is lame. Absolutely no innovation anywhere and the reason given for the hero & heroine's "Oh! It is so much fun" trip to Kasi even when she is dying is even more lame. Sunil's comedy is again repetitive and sometimes gross. Only the Chatrapathi comedy track was slighly laughable. And leaving out the first two songs there wasn't much in the movie. I must mention here that I really didn't have the patience to sit through the remaining songs and spent that time in the rest room setting my hair and having some pop-corn outside in the lobby. So, am not really the right person to comment on the songs.
Final verdict: Not worth the time, money or the effort if you are looking for some good entertainment. But, considering that there aren't any good movies around, it isn't such a bad movie if you really wanted to hit the multiplex.

The devil wears Prada!

It was one of those days where I woke up early hoping to do "something useful" and realized I was trying to do something magnificently futile as no matter what I did the day seemed to last just 4 hrs. So there I was sitting with my friend in Coffee Day at 6 in the evening trying to figure out why the last thing I remember doing something or rather anything in the day was brushing at 8 in the morning while my friend was yapping something to which I wasn't even listening.
My eyes were doing their usual wandering searching for some pretty face around to while my tongue was preoccupied with trying to give my teeth a rough shade of white than the dark chocolate they were thanks to the all the chocolate I had sitting there. I was stretching out my hand to take some water when I suddenly notice this babe walk in. She was probably 5'8" give or take an inch, had a very tantalizing skin tone which flirted with the line between "fair" and "wheatish", open hair which refused to stop killing anyone who looked at it, was wearing a sharp one piece and above all, a certain air around which said "Dude! Back off" She was what I would say DDG material. For the uninformed, DDG is Drop Dead Gorgeous. Anyways, the point is I wasn't the only git sitting there who noticed. Everybody was thinking how this precious piece fell down from the heavens without as much a scratch!
I looked at my friend to thank him for pulling me to Coffee Day when I noticed he seemed least bothered with what just struck that place! Surprised, I asked him if had missed the impossible and he just smiled and said "Girls like that are great to look at. But, beyond that I dunno if I would like a girl like that". I was shocked! Who was asking him to marry her and like she would! But he continued "I sorta like the neatly dressed FTPs not the babes like this who don't really dress to my taste" Again the words caught me off gaurd. What was he talking! I asked why it mattered how the girl dressed the and what the heck is FTP! He said it was college lingo and stands for "Family Type Papa"! I was flabbergasted.
How can one tell a women by her dressing! For heaven's sake, it is only about how comfortable a person is with his/her dressing and if they can carry it with confidence. What does dressing even remotely have to do with a girl's nature! He argued that women who dress well mean they are usually confident about themsleves and tend to very independent and he wasn't too sure if he would be very comfortable with her. I knew I had to put some sense into his head. So I started off. I hope it makes some sense to you too if you happen to read this!
"See just because somebody is wearing something which many may term as "forward" or "fast" doesn't make her one. And it also doesn't mean a .... "well dressed girl" (So to say) is a "homely" girl. It is all about comfort and convenience. Somebody who dresses well today might not really have the time nor the taste to do so later. And some chick who dresses "well" now might not really be the Sati Savitri type later or rather even now. For all you know, the mummy's girl next door might have many skeleltons in the closet while the chic who goes to the movie with her boyfriend might turn to be a lot more responsible than you would have ever imagined. And mind most of the domestic headaches which happen are thanks to all those FTPs who were brought up in a closed highly controlled environment and who no idea how to handle the freedom they get once they grow up. It is like "new royalty" who don't know what to do with all the new found wealth and find it overwhelming to manage it. A free open upbringing is the only thing which ensures a person to grow healthy. So what if the girl is a Billabong chick in her teens. I mean is wrong in wearing something which looks good on you. Besides, if the need really does arise I do think a mature woman will understand irrespective of the way she dressed when she was 20. For heaven's sake give the girls a break and let them have what they wish. It is a free country dude. And mind you, the guy who is shitting you all this right now is 20 yrs old and still roams around everywhere in NEWPORT & UB shorts and Ts. Get a life man."
I was just done telling him when I realized that half the place was empty and the one who was the reason I started this "Hitabhodhan" had left. Disappointed, I cast him a dirty look for pulling me into this and left the place after I cleared the cheque. And that is how I got something to write today.