The Fairer Sex

It is already the last week of September and the clock is ticking faster by the minute. A sudden sense of urgency and purpose has crept into everybody and it is showing on their faces. With non-existent placements and dearth of aid in the US universities, people have suddenly discovered the manager in them and wish to hone their skills with an MBA. So, keeping up with the mood and time, a post to relax all those who give endless AIMCATS, SIMCATS and ProcMocks.

Directions for questions 56 to 60: Answer the questions on the basis of the following information.

A group of 6 young people A,B,C,D,E,F go on a picnic to Neverland. All of them are either male or female and straight. Each of them work in 6 different organizations. Also, each of them likes one genre of movie. Further, the following information is known:

(i) A loves to demand one of those "ladies" seats  in a public bus.

(ii) B loves to throw a nasty look at all those men standing in a long never-ending line waiting for their turn at the ticket counter of a multiplex while she catwalks in her special line to get hers.

(iii) C is a strong and independent naari who works for the "equality with men in all spheres of life" cause on behalf her fellow naariyan.

(iv) D is a go getter who proudly flaunts her "girl power" and loves to get up the corporate ladder using it.

(v) E is a lawmaker in the parliament. He/she proposed two bills in the house. One asks for 50% reservation for women in all urban and semi-urban municipalities. The other wished to make it mandatory for all corporate companies to publicly acknowledge and give EQUAL opportunities to women at workplace.

(vi) F is a psychology student doing his doctoral studies on "What women actually want?"

56. Do A and B enjoy the special treatment given to them?

(a) All the time.

(b) They can't stop grinning.

(c) Obviously it is their birth right.

(d) More than one of the above.

57. What would D say about herself?

(a) If you have it, flaunt it.

(b) Men have their advantages, I have mine.

(c) I am helpless. People crush me.

(d) Both (a) & (b)

58. Will C who fights for "Equality" use the privileges used by A & B?

(a) Barack Obama is the president of the US.

(b) Duh!

(c) She will stand in the long queue for tickets.

(d) She never sits in a bus, seat or no seat.

59. What is E?

(a) An alien from Mars.

(b) A woman.

(c) A man.

(d) A confused asylum runaway.

60. When will F finish his PhD?

(a) Very soon.

(b) 5-7 years if he changes the topic.

(c) Eternity if he doesn't.

(d) Either (b) or (c)

Sands of history

For the past one and a half month, the first page of every newspaper in the republic of India carried nothing but never ending articles about the book on Mohammed Ali Jinnah by one Jaswant Singh and the consequences he and his party had to bear, as they were thrashed from every direction for writing about the man in question, Jinnah in slightly positive light. Even the editorial page was not spared and every notable editor and celebrity writer in India, even those who had nothing much to say on the topic picked up their pen and wrote. This one book alone gave Jaswant Singh more publicity than his entire stint as the external affairs minister of India. Now that the issue has finally lost steam and the press has suddenly discovered that there is a whole world to write about, I thought I can have my say in peace.

I have always been very fortunate to have a well networked father, Satan. So, I had the pleasure of writing to Mr. Jaswant directly asking him why like the sudden spurt of rainfall all over the country, he had this urge to write about something so clichéd like Mr. Jinnah and the partition era. He was courteous enough to reply promptly and elaborated in detail why he had taken such a decision. He also wished I address him as Jaswant uncle for he felt a lot more liked then. He wrote that one evening when he was out for a walk in the local park, he bumped into a guy who was sitting peacefully on a bench and reading the evening news. When he looked at him, he was surprised to see that he looked freakishly similar to Mr. Jinnah. Amazed with the resemblance, Jaswant uncle blurted it out. The other man looked at Jaswant uncle alarmed, and smiled back. He said, “Yeah, I get that a lot. Big man he was, Mohammad Ali Jinnah.” The pleasant manner in which his hasty remark was taken took Jaswant uncle by surprise, for the post-independence Indian history has scrutinised every single detail of Jinnah; distorted and conveniently played with it making Jinnah nothing less demonic and iconic than the dark lord, Sauron from the Lord of the Rings series. He sensed Jaswant uncle’s surprise and asked him to join him. And then, he began.

“A time not so long ago, there was a nation of over 350 million. It was ruled over by a smaller but, more powerful nation. The ruling nation was a rather selfish one and didn’t care much about the subject nation. This created a lot of dissidence in the people regarding the policies of the ruling nation. So, a few rebelled. When they were crushed by the government, they rebelled harder. Still, it yielded no results. And the entire nation of 350mil shouted in unison and the ruling nation peed in its pants. The fact that it itself was going through an internal turmoil didn’t help matters. So, they agreed to withdraw and grant independence to the subject nation.

Now, the catch came here. All this time, the entire population of 350mil was more or less represented by a group of leaders. Gradually, their popularity and reach grew to such colossal heights that they became larger than life personalities. In fact, they were so large that the nation swayed if one of them sneezed, or groaned in pain if one of them had an upset stomach. Now, of these leaders, three leaders towered over the rest. Though many argue there are more; for the sake of this story, let us just say there are three. One of these was a man of high morals and principles. He had no political ambitions whatsoever. The other two on the other hand were smart, articulate, charismatic orators who had great visions for the country. They were very ambitious too. Both represented the hopes, aspirations, and apprehensions and fears of two particular sections of people. However, they were hardly anything like the people they represented. One represented the Muslims but, he relished pork, loved liquor, never did his namaz and wore nothing but the finest of English suits. The other was a more secular face but since the Muslims backed the first one, the Hindus backed him. He too was not exactly a devout Hindu. Either way, they were 'judwa' images of each other. These similarities became the core reason for the revulsion they had for each other.

They differed in just one thing, and it was the dream they had for the new independent nation. The Muslim one wanted a loose confederation of Balkan states which functioned independently. The other envisioned a great socialist power in the new nation with a strong central government working in tandem with the state governments. So, when the time had come, they wanted their own way. Since both held high posts in the interim government, they started pulling it in two different directions. Their aides simply followed the leaders and didn’t help much. The Muslim guy’s aide controlled the finance of the nation. The other was involved with the planning. Now, he was not getting the money he wanted. But, there was nothing he could do about it. Also by this time, the idea of splitting the spoils had come up in both their heads. So, as one of them put it, ‘If you have a headache, chop the head off and it is gone’ the head and body were torn apart and both got their way. As this division happened, both bled and the blood that flowed formed a thick stream of hatred and loathing which kept the two new nations apart.

Honestly, the mistake was nobody’s. The Muslim was never the communal prick he was and the Hindu was not always the thick headed git he acted like. It was just that as things shaped up, they had to take those routes for what they felt in their own ways was the common good. And like they say, there is never a ‘if it would have happened in another way’ in history. Everything in history happened the way it had happened because it was the only way it could have happened. The best we can do is to study and learn from it. However, it is incredibly foolish to dwell upon it.”

And it stopped. Jaswant uncle who till now, was busy absorbing every word keenly opened his eyes and saw there was nobody around. Actually, there was not a single human soul anywhere near where he was sitting. He had no clue how the other guy who was talking to him till a moment ago, had vanished into thin air. The sudden eeriness of the situation gave Jaswant uncle goose bumps and he rushed back home. But, the story clung in his head for a long time to come. And that is how he ended up in the soup he is in right now.

Hadbadi Main Gadbadi: CAT 2009!

The following is a letter written by the disgruntled and extremely annoyed part that was present in each and every one of the thousands of people who filled up the Prometric powered CAT 09 online form on the 9th of September 2009.

Dear sir,
I had purchased a voucher for CAT 2009 on the 9th of September and filled the online form on the same day. However, I made the mistake of not checking the tick boxes for SSC & HSC because of which I was not prompted to enter the details pertaining to the same. I only realized my mistake after I had submitted everything and booked a slot as well! In fact, I had even printed the hall ticket!
Worried, I inquired if anybody had made a similar mistake and was pleasantly surprised to know that there was a little nation of people who had done the same folly. When I inquired about what is to be done from someone else, he had told me that he was bluntly told to buy a new voucher and do the whole thing all over! I was flabbergasted at the insensitivity with which the issue was dealt with. I do accept that there is a fault from our side too and am deeply apologetic for that. But, I really think it is necessary to enlighten you about the root of the whole problem and illustrate the logical and logistical implications of the solution given by the helpline executive for the problem at hand.
1. The SSC and HSC details are mandatory for the IIMs to short list candidates after CAT. And I totally fail to see the logic behind expecting students to explicitly check HSC and SSC tick boxes for the system to prompt data entry. Who in the world can complete graduation without completing the earlier two degrees!
2. Even in the case of some brainless daft head like me and my fellow lesser intelligent beings making the mistake of not checking them, how can the system complete the procedure without that data!
3. Now, regarding the brilliant idea given by your helpline executive. I believe he was right when he gave that advice based on the FAQs which say that one is expected to buy a new voucher and apply again in case of a mistake in data entry. However, this is in total contradiction to another FAQ which clearly states a student can register only once. We would really appreciate if you can throw light on these lacunae.
4. This is the first time this application procedure is being used. So, mistakes during data entry are bound to arise. However, there is absolutely no provision to edit data once it is entered. Other online based applications for exams like XAT which have been around for a while still have that provision. We would really like to know the source of this supreme confidence in the system and faith in the common exam applicant.
5. Now comes the clincher, every person who has committed an error in data entry is as per your rules expected to register again. This would mean close to 20,000 (This is the estimated number) applicants fill in a new slot and the exam slots booked under their previous faulty profiles stand empty as there is no way to cancel them. Such sheer waste of time and man power is simply mindless!
Bottom-line: The system designed is unnecessarily complicated and rigid and gives unnecessary attention to details like privacy policies and doesn’t emphasize the more important ones like the education and test details. The support isn’t any smarter and there are many contradictory answers to the FAQs which reflect poorly on the entire team involved.
Now, before you dismiss this mail as junk, I have just one thing to say. It is very important that Prometric comes out of the bubble it is currently in and realize the gravity of the situation. These mistakes are not isolated incidents but something which are happening with many applicants. Hope you consider and respond appropriately.
Regards,
A CAT 2009 Prometric victim

Kaminey: A Review

It has been a while since I last wrote a post. A jobless final semester is making sure the lazy bone in me is spoilt for choice of boundless avenues to waste away. However, I happened to chance upon this movie last weekend and there was no way I could stay without writing a review for it even though it has been a couple of weeks since its release.

Every nightspot and lounge bar in town is playing it. A night at the pub is not complete without it. And every morning MTV and Channel[V] play it back to back close to a dozen times like Suprabatham. Dhan Te nan.........This groovy and super energy packed track from Kaminey more than captures the mood and spirit of the entire movie. If Omkara & Maqbool showed signs of a genius, Kaminey makes it straight and blunt to everybody in Bollywood that Vishal Bharadwaj will never make a Hindi movie like the world knows it.
All those who plan to watch this movie in the multiplex while half dozing off in the AC, be warned! Kaminey, with its dark look and racy direction is an intelligent movie which demands the audience to respect it and pay attention. Not that it needs anything extra to do that. The crisp narration & the sinful tracks make sure one is hooked to the screen.
The movie starts with Charlie (Shahid kapur) preaching the ultimate gyaan on the routes to success or as he would put it, fuckcess in life (No pun intended). Cut to another shot and we meet Charlie's estranged identical twin Guddu (Obvious) who preaches about the god sent "Kaandum" through a rather funny but witty street play. And then we have the Marathi hot belle and Guddu's lady love Sweety (Priyanka Chopra) who looks so "muaaah" that I have no words for her. Marathi sounded like the language of the gods when this one gave her lines in it.
Anyways, what ensues is how the good brother and bad brother meet thanks to a guitar, a badmouthing marathi politico brother-in-law and a couple of corrupt cops having a really bad day and how the two Shahids set their differences aside to help each other out when all odds turn against them. What really sets the movie apart is the treatment given to the otherwise mediocre storyline and the brilliant acting from every single member in the cast. Giving the story away would be a spoiler. So, it is best to stop here and not write anything more. However, the only thing one must be warned is the great deal of restrain required to stick to the seat and not jump up dancing to "Raat Ke Dhai Baje". Besides that, the very enjoyable songs and good cinema that kaminey is, will do their job just fine.

The candle which won't burn!

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine when she said something very interesting. She said "you know all these funny things happen with me. I have this really weird candle which won't burn. For some reason I don't quite understand, the flame just dies away. So, all the time when there is no power I am up there trying to keep the flame alive when the whole point of trying to have the candle was so that I could do something!" When she said that, both of us found it very amusing and laughed about it. Later that day, my dad came back from one of his usual trips to Delhi. He seemed pretty tired so I didn't bother him much and went around minding my own work.
The next day I noticed he was packing his bags again. Surprised, I asked him if he was leaving again. He replied in affirmative. Now, I would be lying if I said I would miss him but, honestly even I felt a tinge of pity that he had to spend so much time away from home. It is another matter he chose this job because he loved traveling and not because he wanted a high flying lifestyle. But, there are many who crave for exactly a life like that. They would love to come back to their palatial house on the weekends with a jet lag after a busy week globe trotting. And the little time they happen to be home, they would want to browse through lifestyle magazines trying to find a sofa set that defines them or a coffee table that complements their personality. They have to have the latest home theater in their bed room and the hottest electronic phenomenon in their pocket. And if this isn't enough, even the bathroom fittings in their loo have to mirror their sense of style.
But, after all this shopping and splurging trying to make up their home to the finest taste, they prefer clocking frequent flier miles and dozing off in airport lounges waiting for their connecting flight than staying at home indulging in the very things for which they work so hard for. They prefer changing their dress in a hotel suite and living life out of a suitcase. They precisely end up doing what my friend was doing. They are so busy trying to keep the candle flame up that they forget the actual purpose of the candle.
Ambition is good. It is very important for being successful. But, one shouldn't fall in love with the pursuit of success that he can't really enjoy the taste of success anymore. The fact is, everybody has one life. And it is up to them to fill it with moments and experiences which one will cherish all life or a wardrobe full of designer wear.

The voice itself!

Greetings lesser mortals! I am Satanputr, son of Satan. I am sure you know my dad very well. He is rather infamous for his notoriety in your mortal world. I on the other hand, do not seem to have been bequeathed with his satanic deportment. In fact, I think I have been gifted with a rather sardonic humor and playful wit which gives me the luxury to look at very ordinary things in your world and mine in a not-so-ordinary way.

Before I write any further, there are a few things which I think are necessary to clear. There is a reason why I write in this space all the way from the underworld. It is rather disturbing for me being down here and seeing you mortals making your lovely world no better than the underworld you so dearly fear. From time eternal, since your race started living an intelligent life, it has done everything in its power to make a simple life incredibly complicated and miserable as possible, all in the name of “progress”. What else explains the fact that you churn fuel guzzling SUVs in the name of epicurean comfort? And worse, that super luxury loaded car which weighs close to half a ton more often than not, carries a single 80 Kg man! Your race has had some of the brilliant mathematicians known. However, you fail to see the irrationality in cutting life giving trees for making space to accommodate more humans who actually need the very trees which are being cut. Your diplomats and leaders are highly learned men who hold talks on how to save your planet from choking itself. They speak heavy jargon about their countries commitment to doing their bit for the planet as long their economy is not compromised. I ask, “What is the use of a healthy economy when you have no planet?” Honestly, the priorities of your race are more messed up than Paris Hilton’s search for true love!

Greed runs in your blood now. The most brilliant of your minds are engaged not in administration but in spinning out financial wizardry to make money out of thin air. If the former happened, all those humanitarian issues which plague your world would have been something which belonged to an age when even I didn’t exist! Instead, what you have is a bunch of Rolex wearing brains in Hugo Suits making love to silicone simpletons in their high rise condos. For a cult like yours which lives by “Over achievement should be a way of life”, there is barely anything more which I can say or do.

However, there is something really amusing about you humans. In spite of all this longing for so-called success, tragedy greatly fascinates you. From literature to art to religion, the best of works usually depict a tragic scene or happening. The Greeks were an exception though. They had a remarkable comic outlook to life for they believed comedy is something which is worthy only of the gods. They thought the gods were up there looking at your misgivings and laughing at it. Hence, for them, comedy was a way to feel like Zeus himself! So, taking a page out of the Greek way of life, I, Satanputr feel duty bound to make you mortals feel like the gods through my writings as am very sure a measly few of you are going to that side after you pass this life.

P.S: Since the portal between our worlds is usually packed with lawyers, businessmen and the like, I might not be able to write in first person. One of your kind, a bloke called Leela Krishna Annam will do my bidding. The git seemed more than willing to do the job. The only trouble is that he holds himself in high regard, too high for his own good. So, if there is anything on this space which isn’t to your taste, please do me the favor of going and whopping his ass. However, if something really amused you and was thought provoking, do post a comment for me.

Women on the move!

On a bright Monday morning, if you are driving down to work on a busy road and happen to notice that the traffic in the adjacent lane is moving way too slow even for peak hours, there is a 10% chance that in the car creating that bottleneck is some thick skinned dick head who is on his mobile while at the wheel. But, there is an overwhelming 90% chance that the pack is being led by a lady driving with her body upright and stiff like an army man in all too alarming ATTENTION posture with both eyes drawn together in utmost concentration on the road ahead that one gets a feeling that the road in front of her will give way anytime revealing a river of simmering magma underneath.

The scene is all the more hilarious when "madamji" is driving a two wheeler. First, we have her covered from head to toe and full hand gloves in the same stiff posture looking like a rather amusing cross between "Bandit Queen" and a surgeon out to perform a rigorous 12 hour surgery. Her defense: "Oh my gawd! The UV rays of the sun are so dangerous you know and all the dust on the road can ruin my skin !" But the icing on the cake comes now. From the moment the vehicle is started, the brake light is always flashing. Even in the rare case when a woman is traveling at 40 Kmph, one is bound to see the brake light glowing behind. Only the almighty knows how they manage to drive and yet always have the brakes applied. And when it is time to stop, even before the brakes do the job, the two legs are down on the road like the landing gear of an aircraft trying to end the misery of driving ASAP.

So, why is that women are so averse to driving? Why is driving a vehicle to a woman as intriguing as riding an enraged bull? The answer is actually very simple but most women simply won't buy it for reasons they best understand. Honestly, what is wrong in accepting one is bad at something? Anyways, the female fraternity choose to differ and so, let it be.

The difference between the driving of a man and woman is very fundamental in nature. Once a guy gets used to a vehicle, he gets a feel of the beat of its engine and its sensitivities to movement. So, when a guy is driving his bike or car, it is as good as a part of his body like his legs or eyes which work in tandem with the driver. For the guy, it is basically him and him alone who is moving. For him, the vehicle is no different than him. However, a woman always treats her ride as.....well....a vehicle. For her, it is merely something which can move when you hit the gas and slows when you leave it. That is all. Anything beyond that is irrelevant to her. So when she is driving, two things are moving: the vehicle and her. Now as long as that is the case, there is never going to be a dearth of funny videos of women drivers on youtube and we guys will always have something to watch and laugh our heads off.